Prisoner Of Love

Prisoner of Love

Boy meets girl. They become friends then find out they like each other. Then fall in love. Date for a while. Get married and have kids. Grow old and die together. Typical romantic structure right? Not for me, just not this time. No one can get their fairytale ending. Still, the way he looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes that when the sunlight hit them just right, it could light up a room. His smile can make any gray cloud zoom away any time, any day. When I am close, I forget to breath and my heart beats like a humming birds wings. His voice as he says good night or I love you, sends a tingling sensation from the top of my neck down to my little toes. The way he sleeps on my lap after a long day and I can feel his chest moving up and down as he inhales and exhales. It makes me feel so comfortable. How I fit so perfectly into his arms every time he holds me and I never want him to let go. And no matter what we are doing I can’t help but smile. When he’s close to me…my heart is so warm, like the sun on a spring afternoon.
You may look at this picture and agree with all of the things I just said. But my smile has become a frown. His eyes full that were full of happiness has be come full of anger like a bull about to charge. The arms around me that once held me so close, becomes pointing and waving in the air frantically. His words of I love you and good night become, you never have time and, you just don’t get it. When he does get close my heart does beat fast but for a reason uncertain at this point. The tingling sensation becomes a heat of rage surging all over. My heart that was once warm now feels cold like a long and snowy winter. And the smiles…have turned into frowns, completely expression less. I look at this picture now after 3 years of togetherness;  will stay forever in this picture like a prison in a frame.  I will forever hold it close; because it is the only way I can ever see your face everyday…

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Always Remember August 23, 2008

As sunlight fills my room, I sit up and clutch my pillow tight. Today is the day, I thought to myself. It has to be today..or maybe not. I jump at the small knock on the door. “Sis, we are leaving now.” says a tiny voice from the other side of the door. ” ok have fun with mom and dad and Chris! call me and take lots of photos ok?” “OK!” as every step he took to the sound of the car door slam and the engine starting I could feel my heart pumping louder and louder. ” what am I going to do?” Another jump to the sound of  a bell. It’s just my phone I said to myself thinking that would calm me down.

” hello?”
“where the hell are you?”
“At home why?”
“Is he there with you?”
“Who?”
” oh that stupid Brandon kid! the one from you birthday party, the one you were all over in front of me, how could you?”
“what are you at-“
“Don’t BS me babe! I know you like him and I will fu-“
Ouch, I thought to myself. That doesn’t feel good. Ouch!  I clutched my stomach as I fell to the floor. I could still hear him screaming but he became muffled. The pain was all over, it felt as if someone was burning the inside of my belly slowly. What is happening I thought as I dragged myself to the bathroom. I looked behind to see a streak of blood behind me. The room started to spin as if I was on a merry go round at 100 miles per hour. I could feel my body going cold and start to shake. I could hear a door bell ring and a voice say ” Hey door was open…hey you anyone here?” I tried to call out but my throat was dry, I couldn’t speak or cry or anything . the last thing I saw what a blurry figure come up to my and fade to black.
Beeping and bright white light hit me. I tried to force my eyes open but it made my world look crazed as if I just got off of a roller coaster. ” she’s awake? How are you? Can you remember anything?’ The voices were still muffled and I couldn’t see still and my head was pounding as if I was a victim of a stampede. But then my heart pounded even louder when I brushed my hand over my belly to find it smaller than before. ” Honey, its ok don’t cry” It was too late, I started to sob in front of the stranger because at that moment I knew I lost something valuable to me and my boyfriend…and he didn’t even know it was his treasure that was hidden in me but now lost forever.

My Soul is…

My Soul is….

Solid 

Like Superman holding a building 
Over his head

Protected 

Like wonder woman’s steel bands
As she deflects bullets

Dark 

Like Batman hiding in the shadows
Before he strikes his next victim

Bright 

Like green lantern’s power ring
To shine in the blackest night

My soul is my hero
It will always be there to save me.

Birdcage Necklace

Sitting on a perch is never wanted my life to be.  I grip onto the steel bars that keep the outside world from my grasp. I see the bright light shining day after day and I want to fly towards it.  Every day I sing to let them know I am here but she throws things and tells me to SHUT UP. I’ve felt so trapped for 20 years sitting on my perch. My feet are hurting, lost the feeling in my wings. Not even sure I can fly anymore, too scared to even try. But now one more year has passed, she steps towards the cage, opens the latch, I feel my wings start to twitch, and she opens the door and I zoom out!

I look at this necklace of a tiny yellow bird inside a yellow cage and it will always remind me of my time being held back by my mother and now that I am 21 she has finally  let my have my own opinions and tell her what I want in life.

London

I open my eyes and my world is a blur. I blinked over and over to clear up my vision so I can tell what was going on. As the bright light sent a stinging sensation to my newborn like eyes, I sat up and let them adjust to my surroundings. I looked around my room to see this wasn’t my room back in California. Forgot where I was for a second. It was a small apartment with a table, two chairs, flowers in every corner. A tiny kitchen and with my little dog sleeping next to the oven, Oh that dog always was sleeping. There was a sliver tray with a teapot and some round biskets that looked like thick pancakes. Crumpets! I thought to myself, My girlfriend must have made them before she went out on the town. Been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now and she was always begging me to come visit her home town, just can’t believe I’m here. 

I walked over towards the window to see the busy street of Oxnard with Double Decker buses and people strolling down below me. I can hear all the chatter of people’s plans for the day or tourist trying to find their way.  It was gloomy just as she warned me, not as busy as I thought it would be.  I can see that the sun was trying to poke its tiny head out here and it was very beautiful. We were high up enough to see Big Ben. Or I think that’s big ben. Not awake enough for that. Need some tea or coffee. Finished my first crumpet and walked over to grab another one. There was a note next to the teacup. It looked neat with little drawn flowers around the corners and little doodles of smiley faces. She is so cheesy but I love her. ” Hey darling, didn’t want to wake you so went to grab some food by the local market for dinner, Go explore and maybe even get a few pictures with the palace guards or visit the Bridge before it falls. Love always Rene. She even added a cherrio at the end of that, so English. I gently grabbed my cup of tea and sipped it. The soothing but hot tea flowed down my throat and sent a warm sensation all over my body. I could sit here all day in this flat and just enjoy this tea. Then her clock in the kitchen chirped. Hated that old bird clock, Her ex girlfriend bought it for her in the town square, was so annoying. It chirped again and I realized it was already noon, didn’t want to waste the day. So I gulped my tea down, bad mistake,  I put on some clothes and walked out the door.  As I locked that door I started to hum the tune London Bridge is falling down. Couldn’t help but laugh at myself for that one. But it didn’t matter, another adventure awaits here in gloomy but beautiful London town.

Dancing with Myself

Brenda tied her ballet shoes. She let the pink silk ribbon run through her fingers like running water. She smiled as she stretched the top her of feet. They are already red from all the drills and routines she went through daily. She stretched the rest of her body and hummed a tune. ” I can’t wait to see their faces.” she thought to herself. ” I will be the best there is…just wait and see” she smiled as she walked onto the stage. And now Brenda Stanson shall grace us with her new dance. duckling to swan. The crowd claps for her entrance. She takes a deep breath and gets to the middle of the stage. Breathe Bre, Just relax, you can do this.  she said in a faint whisper. She raised her arms and started her dance. She could hear the whispers of the audience. ” what form!, what  grace she has” she kept a straight face as she lept and landed on her feet . ” her arms and legs seem to not end” one man said. ” I know and her movements are so smooth and slick” one woman said. She loved all the great responses. It didnt seem a bad remark came from anyone. and that’s what she like to hear. She was doing her last spin before her finale. the music became louder and then she took her last leap and when she landed it was perfect. The crowd clapped and stood up. Some even threw roses at her feet. She bowed and smiled to everyone. She opened her eyes and slowly felt her body go numb and fall over. when she hit the floor it was in slow motion. ” they loved me ” she whispered as she looked around the blurry empty theatre. ” it was all in my mind” as she felt her heart slow down. But the loudness of her heartbeat sounded like the audience clapping. “I dont care…they loved me” She kept saying that as her eyes started to get heavy and set into darkness.

 

I know its a bit dark but I have been into a lot of ballet lately and also wonder how it felt to practice all your life and die before you get to do your thing or life long dream.

September 11

Another day at the office. It is a cold Tuesday morning coming into the same building, going to the elevator, and ask the nice man who’s always  in a rush to get to his floor. Press 77 please? Finally I get out of the crowded elevator and go all the way across the room to my small and quite suffocating cubical. All I can hear is my coworkers talking about what they are doing this week or what they are planning to do this weekend. I can smell the coffee being brewed a few cubicles down. Yup! It was a normal day at work and nothing has seemed to change.

Then Brad comes up to me to talk about his crazy mother; pestering him about his bills and him finding a wife. “I don’t know why she’s always saying, find a nice wholesome girl. I’m not 5 years old and I know God will find me someone. You know one of these days I will- CRASH!!!!!! What in the world? What was that? I couldn’t hear a thing. What’s going on? Screaming, moaning, people in fear. Brad helps me up, “are you ok, Debra?” Yeah, what in the world just happened? A PLANE JUST HIT OUR BUILDING BELOW US!! someone shouted from across the room. There were people panicking all over the office. How are we going to get out, I need to call my family. why would a plane hit the tower? So many questions, not many answers. Brad grabs my hand, “Deb Let’s go!”

Another scream, “ANOTHER PLANE JUST CRASHED INTO THE OTHER TOWER!” We all ran towards the window, to see that the other building was indeed hit. Fire and smoke flowed out of the building like a rushing waterfall. All I could do was put my hand up to me mouth in shock. Why is this happening? What have we done to deserve this? “Brad what are you doing, this is no time to go to your desk and start work, cant you see we are kind of in the middle of a crisis!” He turned to me with his light blue ocean eyes full of fear. “I..I… I have to call my mother…I have to tell her something.” I knew as just like others, they were making phone calls to their families and I should to. As I walked towards my cubical, people around me are holding each other and crying. Some where kneeling down by their desks praying to God to save them. It seems like it was all just a dream, or at least I wanted it to be. I went to my desk and picked up the phone. I called my apartment to see if anyone was home, but like always no one was there. I should leave a message I thought to myself. When I heard the beep I started to speak but nothing came out. Then I said ” Hey sis, its me Deb. Um, I dont know if your still  asleep or at work but um I love you and I hope to see you soon.” Brad came to my desk smiling hoping that get the nasty feeling I had in my stomach. Then out of no where the floor started to drop. I was so scared, I screamed so loud and my thoughts were all shouting as well . “GOD PLEASE SAVE ME, I KNOW I HAVENT BEEN THE GREATEST CHRISTIAN I CAN BE, PLEASE SAVE ME!!!. People all aournd me were screaming and we knew this was the end. OH GOD PLEASE DON’T TELL ME THIS IS HOW IT ENDS!!!!

I wake up on a warm bed with a blanket. Was it just a dream after all. where am I? “Debra? Debra Smith? Can you hear me? Jas is that you? Yes sis! how are you feeling? I felt like I was hit by a train. I said trying to sit up. You could only be so lucky if it was a train. I’m surprised you made it out alive. who else jas? You are one of the few to survive. How many sis? You should just be hap- HOW MANY JASMINE?! she looked down and a single tear ran down her face. 20 only survived out of both towers.
Brad? What about Brad?  She shook her head. I couldnt help it, I dove my head into my hands and sobbed. I’m sorry Deb, he was holding you  when they found you. he must of grabbed you as you guys fell 8 stories. I’m so sorry Deb. She came in for a hug and at first I pushed but she grabbed me. I couldnt help but melt into her arms. ” You should be happy he cared and that’s why he held you, and he’s in a better place.” As hurt as I was and upset I knew she had a point. When it was dark and my sister fast asleep. All I could do was whisper in the darkness of my hospital room underneath the moonlight was ” Thank you God for saving me and saving Brad.

 

(I wrote this my senior year for a speech contest. I dont remember if it made people cry or not. It was just an idea since My aunt died in 9/11. hope you enjoy)